There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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