I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
