At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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