Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I see more hoeing in ur future
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