Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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