I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
