dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Randomize
