turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He shit in the fireplace
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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