My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
