How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
