The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
