Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
