Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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