The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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