I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
