also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
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