tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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