my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
