Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
