Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
