Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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