I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
That reminds me...we need to get swords
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
