I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize