if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
