he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
You've changed since you got that strap on
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
