I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
