So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
are you so shy because you have an std?
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
