Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Randomize
