My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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