I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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