someone threw a dead crab at me
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
