I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
