i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
