Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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