If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
