hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
He shit in the fireplace
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
