Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I need moral support for this bender
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
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