I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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