ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
