i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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