I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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