If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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