the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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