I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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