She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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