some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
