You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
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He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
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Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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