3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Be still, my beating vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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