you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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