I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
FUCK WHALES
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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