p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
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Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
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