I'd wear matching sweaters with you
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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