Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
