I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
