Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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