I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
